Thursday, April 19, 2012

. relationship / marriage / baby fever .

Disclaimer: I'm trying to be as honest as possible about my life and what is going on in it...and in my head. I want to treat this as a diary and talk openly about that what is affecting my life. Sometimes its negative, other times its positive...its important non the less.

I'm in a rut, and this past week just hasn't been my week. I'm trying to count my blessings, and be grateful for what I have instead of be upset over the things I don't have. I truly am grateful, even though sometimes it doesn't come across that way.

Baby fever has been going on in my life for a while now. And I fully understand as a Christian that jealousy is a sin...a bad one too. However, sometimes we get jealous, and envious at other people and what the have. I desperatly want to have a family, a husband and kids. My friends have been having babies and getting married...doing the things I so desire to do. Its not because we are all getting to that age, I am getting to that age. My friends are all about 4 years younger then me, in their early 20s. My 4 closest friends from the Netherlands had their babies Feb 18th, Feb 25th, April 6th and May 4th...I kinda feel left out :(

I had a conversation about this with Lynne (my sister). I asked her if this could possibly never happen for me. What if I'm not meant to have a husband or kids? She reassured me that if God puts a desire in your heart then He fully intends on giving it to His time, which is what I stuggle with the most. When is it going to be my time? Last summer, I was sure I met the ONE, the one I was going to spend the rest of my life with, my soulmate. Turns out, he was a lesson I needed to learn. It was hard but I'm getting over it. I think this is all being brought on because its that time of year once birthday. I'm getting older and I feel like my life is at a standstill. I work a dead end job, where I barely make minimum wage, I'm single (not even talking to anyone, let alone dating) and I'm starting to get frustrated.
I know everything happens when it is supposed to happen but I want it to be my time! I want to look back a year from now and read over this and realize how silly it sounds, haha. My biggest fear is that I will end up alone, but I'm also picky when it comes to the guys I date and won't date just anyone to avoid being alone.

When people ask me what I want to do as far as a job I tell people that I ultimately want to be a stay at home mommy. Everyone always just gives me this weird look, like I'm crazy or old fashioned...or both. I was put on this earth to raise babies :) that would be the ulitmate career for me, to be a mother, and I'm so excited for the day that I will be pregnant and have a loving husband who wants nothing more then to have kids with me and be and amazing father.

Until then...I have a temporary, practice baby. She has fur, but besides that she isn't too far off from a real baby ;)

{We love each other...clearly}

Any advice for me, and for feeling like this??

xoxo E

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