Thursday, July 12, 2012

. lets talk about something no one else talks about .

I don't understand why some subjects are so taboo and hush hush, and no one wants to talk about I am! Lets talk about this subject, shall we

In December 2007 I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder, chronic depression and major depression (at the time). I was diagnosed with chronic depression because ever since I was about 13 I've been feeling depressed (it became chronic because there was never 6 months or longer where I was feeling OK and happy). Depression runs in my family, and I'm OK with the fact that I have it too.

I was asked if I wanted to start trying medicine to see if that would help, and I did. I actually didn't mind the medicine I was put on, I felt great (besides the fact that it was $90 for 30 days and I had no insurance). Over Christmas break I told my parents about my diagnosis (since they live in the Netherlands, I wanted to tell them face to face). They were shocked at first but I think things finally fell into place for them about my behavior.

When I moved to Virginia I was doing a lot better. I lived closer to my family and things were looking up, I was much happier. But I started having really bad mood swings, so I went to see a counselor. She diagnosed me with bipolar disorder but we decided my current medicine was OK for now (I was on medicine that was in the Walmart $4 program..which was a lot better then $90 and it worked the same). I started dating a guy who didn't understand how to deal with me, my mood swings, or the fact that I had mental health issues. With a little help from him and the support from my family I decided to wean off my meds to see who I really was. I know your not supposed to take anti depressants when your pregnant and I figured I should see what it was like to be off my meds now, so that it wouldn't come as a shock when I did get pregnant a few years down the road. So I weaned myself off...that was hard, it came with hot flashes, and mood swings like I've never had before! It took me 2 months to completely come off, because I did it really gradually. I've stopped cold turkey before and that was A BAD IDEA!

I found out that a lot of my personality changed after I stopped taking my meds. I feel like this is the real me and I love it, I'm overall really happy. I still get mood swings, but they are no where near as bad or as often as they were before. The boy didn't know how to handle me going from happy all the time, to going through withdrawal, to finding out who I really was (which is really different from my personality on the medicine) so we are no longer together. I struggle every now and then with feeling depressed, but I'm doing really good. I'm trying to keep an upbeat, positive attitude. I do have days where I don't feel good mentally, and I know how to deal with those. Plus someone in my family will always be there to talk to me if I am feeling down and depressed.

I can't wait to find someone who doesn't mind talking about it. Who I can be completely myself with and I don't have to feel like I'm just making up how I'm feeling. I need someone who will always be there for me no matter what my mood is because I will struggle with this for the rest of my life. And luckily I know that He will provide and find me a man who is perfect...for me!! I can't wait to meet him, marry him and start a life and family together

"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart."
JEREMIAH 29:11-13

I know I'm not the only one struggling with this, and it feels good to write about it. I hope people know that it's OK, and definitely NOTHING to be ashamed of!

xoxo E

No comments:

Post a Comment